Where to begin?

Where to begin indeed. Long have I searched the confines of my own mind for the answers I seek. I am not even sure if they are satisfactory. And, even if I should find some wisdom, I doubt if I should have the power to act upon it. Perhaps I do not give myself enough credit. After all, humanity is filled with examples of times in which we have risen to the challenges posed by our circumstances and against seemingly insurmountable obstacles and redefined the terms upon which we live our lives. Yet, in consideration of the vastness of the universe and the dangers it holds for my race, nay even the dangers we present to ourselves, I am fearful. I do not know what it is the stays my voice, or persuades me not to act, although, even if I knew what was necessary to save and preserve my race, to avert it from its self-destructive tendencies, would I have the power to do it? I certainly doubt I could do it alone. Perhaps it is just he fear itself that destroys. Nameless, paralyzing terror that arrests much needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. Indeed, in many ways fear is one of the great enemies of humanity (though not categorically so, for fear, tempered with a reasonable rationale, we call judicious caution, and has oft been a great preserver) and an enemy of needed action on our behalf.

Even in writing, I fear that I shall be misunderstood or, if understood, not useful. Many have written, and the results have been mixed. I suppose without a beginning to a movement their cannot be an action and a consequence. If this be the end result of my musings, and if it brings liberation, triumph over death and need, the burdens of mortality, to my people than I shall feel a joy and a peace that I have never tasted and shall be satisfied with my accomplishments in life. However, much of the circumstances of life lend me to a skeptical disposition towards the likelihood of this result. It may happen that we shall overcome the problems I have uncovered an will explore in my musings and attempts to record (for my own sake more than posterity's), indeed it shall be necessary in the end if we are to survive as a people, but I do not think it shall be a vision my eyes shall ever behold. And I fear that the time for this is fast closing upon us. Every day that passes, the potential for destruction by wanton cosmic forces hangs above us, an astronomical probability, but still one that we cannot, status quo, prevent. Still more immediate, our people die of hunger, disease, of deprivation of water, shelter and the most basic necessities of life. They make war upon each other for a a spectrum of reasons, all ultimately net destructive, but some as ridiculous as preference of color or arbitrary fabrications of custom and tradition. The beauty and preciousness of our complexity of reason is lost upon many and precious human blood is spilled wantonly and without gain. Our own actions threaten the homeostasis of the cradle of humanity, Earth, and, whether by natural geological conditions aided and abetted by our actions, our solely upon our onus, the conditions for sustaining, at the very least society as we know it, in comfort and with a greater ease of actualizing higher desires an goals, hangs in the balance. The conditions of our social life do not elevate the human condition and expand its horizons, and the operation of our economic institutions do not maximize the utility of our production, of the work of our hands, to the human race. I know all of this to be true and it causes me great sadness. But even greater is the sadness from the realization that the great bulk of humanity has yet to come to these realizations, and is even further from mobilizing behind a solution to them (though such solutions are undoubtedly within our collective power).

You might say then, that this is not intended or written for an answer to these problems, though I greatly desire it and would lend all my strength to such a pursuit. In light of these grave considerations which weigh against us, and their magnitude, and the circumstances in which I find myself, a single man, however, the best I can hope for is for these writings to serve my purpose, which is to give voice to the demons which have so tormented my mind. Logically, without solvency, the situation not being resolved, one would think that nothing could ameliorate the pain of such revelations. Yet the human is also a creature of emotion and indeed, or desires are formed on the basis of irrational emotion, and must be, for while logic and reason can give us a path to our goals, based upon the best probability of consequence we can calculate given our knowledge and past experience, it cannot inform us of our ultimate reason, our ultimate motivator to action. In short, reason can tell us how to act to achieve a desired result, it can ensure consistency and efficiency in achieving, or striving for those results, it can tell us what we ought to desire, but it cannot tell us why. The question of why we want the things we do, will always remain a arbitrary question of our bodily wants and needs coupled with our sense of value, which is buried in a complexity I cannot unravel. Thus, even a futile action, such as weeping, brings comfort to the creature even if in small measure. You might call this, then, a cry into the void. A solitary flame, one that I would hope would burn brightly and light a glorious path for all humanity to be preserved and elevated above all else, yet even if this be not achieved still it serves its purpose in small comfort from the madness that drives me to the inevitable bitter and brutal end.